I’m noticing I’m hearing this question more and more in my work.

When I consider the word oppositional, I imagine pushing against something. Why do we push against something? To make it move.

When our children are pushing against us, they want to create movement, they want to feel in control. “Mummy, I want to solve my own problems”, “Daddy, I want to try it my own way” is what they might say, if they could.

So instead of, how can I get my child to do what I say, we might ask:

How can I offer my child more opportunities to feel in control, to show his own capacity, to feel empowered?

I have found it very helpful to shift from “do this” instructions to making observations of the environment, such as “I’m noticing your feet are missing something” or “I wonder what you might need to take with you on this rainy day”. This is known as declarative language. What tends to happen is our children stop what they are doing, reference the environment, and realise the answer for themselves. Sometimes they will even joyfully declare, “I need my shoes” or “I need my raincoat” and this joy at their own discovery is what moves them forward.

If you would like to learn more about this and how it might relate to your parenting experience, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together to meet the needs of you and your family.

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