I’m always intrigued at how skilled children are at getting our attention. They quickly learn the fastest way to reach us, whether it is by making a lot of noise, provoking their sibling, or playing with something dangerous.

Sometimes we get caught in a cycle of ‘catching the bad’ more often than ‘catching the good’. This means our children get the connection they’re seeking when they’re doing something we don’t want them doing.  

Recently, I visited my family in Australia and I was caught up in an interesting conversation with my brother. My nieces were playing in the background and they started to argue. One had hidden the other one’s toy and emotions were escalating. When we discovered the hidden toy, I asked my niece if she wanted some connection from us, and she nodded.  

Children use their behaviour to communicate. When they feel upset, they’re in their emotional brain, and they’re not able to access their words, but they still need to let us know what they need. If we can stay in our rational brain, we’re better able to understand what they are trying to communicate and then we can teach them what to do instead of provoking their sibling or playing with something dangerous.  

As parents, we have this wonderful gift of shaping behaviour. Children are mirroring our behaviour and whatever we attend to and celebrate is being reinforced. Catch the good! Notice when your child is playing gently and safely, speaking kindly, sharing, helping, expressing joy, and reflect it back to them in the moment. Be specific and open to sharing how they have touched you; for example, “I feel happy to see you playing gently and sharing with your sister”.   

Many parents have the insight that their children are behaving in ways that are driven by attention seeking. A reframe I have found helpful is that children are ‘connection seeking’. They want to feel close, to feel seen, and this can be what is driving their behaviour. If we can acknowledge this need and teach our children healthy ways to communicate it; for example, using words, pictures, or physical contact, their relationships will benefit long into the future.

If you would like to learn more about this and how it might relate to your parenting experience, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together to meet the needs of you and your family. 

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