A very common question that comes up in my practice is…

How do I talk to my child about emotions?

In my observation and experience, the quickest way to shut down a discussion about emotions is to ask too many questions. I have often been guilty of this myself, both in my clinic room and at home.

When our child is stirred up emotionally, this can activate the little “fix it” part in us; that wants to understand the problem, find the solution and make our child feel better. This part is full of questions; why are you feeling frustrated, what happened, is it this/that, what do you need? Maybe you should try…

The longing in us to make our child feel better and cope better with life can inadvertently push them further away from feeling their emotions. This is because, more often than not, they don’t know the answers to these questions we’re asking and they just want to move away from the discussion as quickly as possible.

A day in the life of a child is full of frustration, alarm and disappointment. They might have to do things they don’t want to do, move at someone else’s pace, experience being corrected or told off, have friends reject them, or a sibling put them down.

By the time they actually show us some emotion; through their facial expression, tone, words or actions, they often don’t know what it’s about anymore. We may eventually learn what it’s about, we may not, what’s important is that the emotion has room to move and be felt.

Instead of asking a question, we could say:

I can see you’re feeling a bit stirred up right now, maybe something hasn’t worked for you today.

When our child doesn’t have to work out how to answer a question, they are more free to feel the emotion that’s sitting there inside them. They might tell us about what didn’t work for them and then we can help them make sense of the emotion, I get that, I would feel frustrated too.

They might say I don’t know. That’s ok, we can still help them move the emotion so it doesn’t stay stuck inside. One of my favourite ways to do this is to get some paper and markers, and say:

I wonder what colour you might pick for that feeling you’re having?

I wonder what marks you might make for that feeling?

I often hear parents express concern that their child won’t be able to cope with the ups and downs of life; things not going their way or people not meeting their expectations. It is in feeling their emotions that our children develop the resilience and adaptability required to cope with life’s ups and downs.

This week, can you notice one moment where your child seems stirred up, and practice reflecting what you see instead of asking a question?

If you would like to learn more about this and how it might relate to your parenting experience, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together to meet the needs of you and your family.

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