The morning routine comes up constantly in my practice. Recently I was asked a question ~ what do you do to get your kids to listen to you in the morning?
I sat with the question, and realized I don’t always use the same strategy. Sometimes I focus on connection, sometimes on play, and sometimes I do neither and retreat to raising my voice. It’s not always smooth.
But when I reflect more deeply on what actually makes children want to listen, I don’t think it’s about connecting in order to get them to listen. It’s about connecting in order to connect. Dr Gordon Neufeld teaches that children need to feel connected in order to be directed, and that they see through our attempts at connection when those attempts are mostly in service of a coming direction.
How often do you connect with your child for no reason other than to connect?
For most of us, not as often as we’d like. We move quickly from one task to the next, from the moment we wake until the moment we sleep. Our kids are moving through their own list of tasks too; getting ready for school, unpacking their bags, doing homework, getting ready for bed. Too often, we offer connection as a reward for finishing the list. But this quietly teaches our children that the task matters more than they do.
Connection without an agenda sends a different message: you matter more than anything on the list. This is what elicits a child’s attachment instinct; their natural desire to be good for us. Connection before direction matters. But connection in the in-between moments, when there’s no direction to give at all, matters even more.
One of my favorite ways to offer this is reading a story to the kids after school. I tell them, plainly, that I’m glad they’re here and that I want to spend time with them. Another way is suggesting a game we’ve never played before, and when I need fresh ideas, I love Moving Creatures, which offers wonderful tools for connecting through playful movement. Sometimes it’s even simpler; a spontaneous cuddle when they least expect it, or a kiss blown across the room in the middle of a busy afternoon.
Where might you find an in-between moment to connect with your child today?
If you would like to learn more about this and how it might relate to your parenting experience, please feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to discuss how we can work together to meet the needs of you and your family.
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